A picture says...

Utah., you were lovely.  There is something irresistable about being with family. We miss everybody already. That is all I need to say.  The rest is below.

Birthday!

Our double birthday party was perfect.  Thanks to Trustin's sister I managed to make two cakes of which I have probably more pride than I should.  We kept the party simple, but the kids had a great time.  What's not to love about a ton of generous gifts, a splash park, and the hit of the day, spray bottle squirt guns (I'm so glad the dollar store was out of water blasters because these were such a blast...pun intended...but it shouldn't be...sometimes I can't help myself)

 Are you impressed?  Lest you be unimpressed, allow me to remind you of the melting oozing, collapsing ice cream cake I made for Trustin's birthday two years ago, or perhaps the crumbled broken cake that I pretended looked like a balloon for Zeke's second birthday.  (If I was techy or at least had more time on my hands I would insert pictures here...you'll have to imagine the glory). I've come a long way.  Thanks Mindy.

Ashlynn's cake was a mud-pie.  Any guesses why?

 And Zeke's was naturally Captain America with animals.

I let Zeke decide what kind of cake he wanted. He deliberated between a pink cake with animals, or a Captain America cake and then suddenly realized that he could have his cake and eat it too.  Pink cake mix, and animals prowling Captain America's shield.  Doesn't get much better than that.

The cake was enjoyed.  Thouroughly.  Note the completely empty plate.  (unfortunatly there was a huge finger print on my lense for almost all of her cake eating)

Zeke's face after he squirted an unsuspecting Uncle Wade right in the ear. 

Take that Paca!

Proof

Our vacation was fabulous, and I hope I get to post some pictures of it soon.

But until then, here is the proof that we went on vacation.

Yes, that is a zucchini.   

Accepting Victory

A cloud of blackness followed me around our darkened neighborhood, empty of all but a few stragglers heading home from the pool after a late night swim.  I was throwing a fit.  A grown-up fit.  I didn’t throw my toys, and I didn’t bellyflop and kick my legs.  I just decided that I couldn’t take another minute of bedtime, or rather, of not-bedtime.  I began bedtime with such high hopes.  I have been stuck between two opinions of how bedtime should be, and I have been failing at each.  If I have to snuggle my three year old every night in order for him to go to sleep then whoa, somebody will surely think that I am babying my kids, that I haven’t taught them independence, that I have no backbone.  And my own selfish voice, which may also be the voice that says the other things too, may add that all of this snuggling means that I will never graduate, because the length of bedtime, combined with the recent abandonment of the old idea of naps, has extended so far as to remove every ounce of free time I used to have.  Then option B, a lot of backbone, a bit of heartlessness.  Just tell Zeke to go to bed and that is that.  After ninety minutes of my half-attempt at plan A failing, I always seem to end up at plan B, which by the way, fails just as surely.  And it has its own added misery of guilt and magnified I’m-a-terrible-mother symptoms.  That is the cloud that followed me around the neighborhood.  For a while I just rolled around in it, invited it to sit on my back and crush me.  After all, misery wants company and that cloud of darkness seemed like the most suitable for my mood.

What a bleak beginning.  But it got better.  Somehow or other I decided that I was sick of my little suffocating companion.  I forced it to stay at bay by all those methods they taught me in Sunday school as a kid.  Sing a hymn, say a prayer, and ask for the Spirit.  What a beautiful gospel and a loving God that sends His Spirit even to a child who has been willingly carting around dark thoughts. 

So as I walked a little further, singing A Child’s prayer and willing myself to be inspired with the secret to motherhood, I was a little surprised.  The secret never came, and the cloud never fully abated (because lets face it, I’m still dreading bedtime tonight as I still have no clue how to handle it).  But another answer came. 

It started out in an answer that at first glance seemed similar to the one my dark cloud had whispered sinisterly in my ears.  The cloud had said, you are a terrible mother.  The Spirit whispered, more gently and lovingly, though still hard to hear, you are a flawed and imperfect mother, you did not handle tonight very well. From there came a vast humbling revelation, about myself and about motherhood.  Every mother is flawed and imperfect.  We all fail to teach some things the right way, we all lose our patience, fail to give our child enough attention, or perhaps we give them so much attention that we never have a moment for our own development, we are too lax or too strict. And a million other mistakes.  Last night as I stalked out the door to take a walk to either wallow or cool my head I was ready to accept defeat. But instead I decided to accept victory.  I keep making mistakes, but I keep trying.  I am doing my best, and that is a victory.  And it applies to so many other mothers.  Before I became a mom I thought I knew exactly how to do everything.  I watched women deal with tantrums or the gimmies and I thought I knew a better way to handle them.  I was inhabited by the pride monster. Thanks to bedtime, I have realized there is no place for that.  The answers to being a good mom and for how to handle each situation are not as obvious as I had supposed.  It is a difficult, stumbling, failing road, that keeps throwing me on my face.  I have a feeling I'm not the only mother lying in a mangled heap down here sometimes.  But I will not accept defeat, even in the form of bedtime battles that last for two hours.  I will accept victory in my effort to tackle that bedtime tonight and tomorrow, and then again and again.   

Telling the toys what's what

Yesterday afternoon I lay snuggled up next to my little Zeke in my deluded hopes that if I lay there beside him he would go to sleep as he so desperately needed.  Despite his droopy eyelids, Zeke had quite a different plan which including multiple assertions of his lack of tiredness, rolling, climbing, wiggling and playing.  I let him sleep with his new superhero toys, even though I knew that would just about clinch the not-sleeping plan.  As I lay there behind him he had Captain America, Ironman, and Spiderman battle and talk.  I tuned out a bit, but then I overheard this little tidbit:

First a superhero said something I was too sleepy and distracted to catch.

Zeke responded with "No! I'm the one who is playing with you.  You are the toy. I am the real person."

Ironman didn't act up again.